yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
