Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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