I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
