I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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