I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just googled if crying burns calories
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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