If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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