There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Floor bacon is actually really good
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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