So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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