He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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