i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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