if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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