Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
