took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
