she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
