dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
