My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
