i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
