Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
