the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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