When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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