I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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