the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
