I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
