I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
