So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
