Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
