I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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