The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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