the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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