i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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