I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
