I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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