Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
