i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
