There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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