I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
