he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
