Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize