Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i think i just lost a toe
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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