I got chris browned last night
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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