I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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