I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
