I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
