his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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