im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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