so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
