dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
