I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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