we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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