So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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