hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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