I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You can't special order awesome
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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