listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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