Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
