The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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