It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
