I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
